Do you blog anonymously?

I have always wanted to keep this blog anonymous. It was where I could come and write shizzle. Say whatever I wanted without being judged. Somethings just enter my head and I have to get them out. Plus I love writing...

... So what did I go and do. Tell my best friend. Now I've ruined it for myself all because of my lack of ability to keep a secret. I have verbal diarrhea. I can keep other people secrets but never ever ever my own.  I am an over sharer. I even showed it to her. And watched her judging eyes read through it. And now I have ideas for blogs and have even written them but I just can't bring myself to press publish. I just envisage her sitting there, reading it and thinking what a self indulgent twat. She even said, "Aren't you scared nobody is reading it?" And honestly I wasn't. But now I am!!

Now nothing I write is funny enough or interesting enough as I know someone I know is potentially reading it. I have screwed myself over.

BUGGER!!!

Does everyone tell people that they blog? Do they just not care what people think? Where do you get this confidence in what you write? One day I would love to write a book but how could I ever do that if I can't even show my best bud my blog? I wish I didn't care but I just do. I wish I could turn back time and keep schtum. I was having so much bloggering fun until Saturday and now I'm just full of massive insecurities.

Now I am going to force myself to publish this to get back on that proverbial horse otherwise I never will and less then a months blogging is just a little bit pathetic.

All blocked up

Last night I had a friend over and we turned the music up loud, had a few bottles of vodka and a dance off in my sitting room. All the classic songs and dance moves came out. Our mothers would be proud. 
 But now I am tired and my brain and fingers just don't work properly. I have massive bloggers block. I have become illiterate.  


Sooooo I will describe the night with the fabulous use of video and pictures.


We Thought we were dancing like this. 

But we were probably dancing more like this

All because of this

And now I feel like a mixture of this 

and 

I love my muff!

THIS IS A REAL PRODUCT. http://www.ilovemymuff.com/ I want to work in their head office just so I can answer the phone every day with  - 

"Good morning, I love my muff, How can I help you?" 

I love my muff and I do love it clean but I don't usually have the excuse to tell people. I'm going to apply for a job there right now. Can you imagine the conversations. 

Someone - "So where do you work?"

Me - "I love my muff"

Someone -  "Erm, that's great but that wasn't the question. Who do you work for?" 

Me - " No really, I love my muff" 

Someone - "you're mental!"

I really really love my muff. 

I just love saying it. It's such a good word. muff muff muff muff muff muff. 

Where ever you are say it out loud now. It's so much fun. 

If there is still anyone out there in the world that doesn't know what muff means then read this.

In fact even if you know what a muff is till read it Trust me it's worth it. Go on have a look. It contains the sentence  can range from dainty and tight to floppy and roast beef colored". 

Also on the note of inappropriate female products. You've only got one beaver so look after it. 

You gotta love the Aussies. 

Dear 16 year old self. '

I bumped into a girl I used to be BFF’s with when I was 16. We haven’t spoken since then. Even though she was my “best friend” she was a bit of a twat. She made me feel like a crap person. Like I wasn’t cool or funny enough and I’d always try to impress her. There was once a picture of a mutual friend on her wall and I said “wow Hannah looked so good with long hair”. And she said “I know, thats why I convinced her to cut it off”. This just shows what sort of person she was. I just wish I knew that at the time. Seeing her made me think about being 16 and how much I’ve changed. And Then I thought if only I could have told that to myself then.

So I’ve written my 16 year old self a letter and if I ever learn to time travel (because it is just a skill you pick up along the way) I will give this to me. 




Dear Self, 


Right now you’re not a very nice person. Your mother can’t stand you and your father is wondering where he went wrong. You’re selfish and naive and drink far too much (this won’t change). You think you’re the most god damn beautiful girl in the room and all boys want you.. need you... must have you. You think you’re self assured and confident. But you are actually confusing this with a deep uncertainty of who you are and where you are going. So you push yourself to be someone. Loud, abrupt, abrasive and as irritating as thrush. You do this so you are noticed. Love you or hate you, at least you are someone. This will pass.

When you are 25 you may not have a hundred friends like you did before. These will slowly be filtered out or better ones will be found. It will be about quality over quantity. And you won’t believe me now but you’re mum... Our mum... will be the best friend of all time (she's still nutty as fuck though).

You’re a nice person... at least I think you are. You have a good job and you are liked.

One thing you don’t know now is that it’s OK to be alone. You only feel lonely because you don’t have things in common with your friends. Once you move to London you will be with people like you. Who think like you and will be there for you. Having said that you will be alone a lot. But you will like it. Your own company will be your haven.

Now stop being a dickhead. Tell mum you love her. And stop wearing that horrible denim skirt. You look like a tart! Oh and that boy you think you hate in your English class. You actually love him. You will reunite in a few years and have an intense 3 year relationship. He’s not the one. Or at least I hope he’s not. You dump him because he’s a selfish fuck. But that’s another story. But for now and the next few years you love him. And he loves you.

Chin up kid
PCB (that's you that is) x


P.S
Here's a copy of 50 shade of Grey. It out sells Harry Potter and is known as mummy porn. Publish it and you'll be moneyed up to your eye balls.

I'm allowed to gush... He doesn't belong to me.

* This isn’t THE toddler... It’s just one I picked up on the internet.

My 4 year old godson Benny was sitting in the driving seat of my car today (looking damn cute and chubby) honking the horn and pretending to steer. Sometimes he comes up with some shit that makes me wonder if he is quite sane. But on this occasion I found him witty and intellectual beyond his years.

Benny - Can I drive, beep beep?

Me - Benny, no you can’t drive the car. Thats for grown ups.

Benny - Can I grow up please?

Me  - Not now, we have to go to Tesco.

Benny - Can I grow up after Tesco?

Me - You are growing baby

Benny- (looks confused) Then I can drive please.

Me - You are growing but you’re not quite a grown up yet.

Benny - Will I be grown up by tomorrow?

Me - Yeah why not

10 things I hate about you

You’re an arrogant arse
You have a stupidly shaped head
You don’t offer to buy me drinks on our dates but suggest buying rounds.
You call your chubbiness “cuddly fun”
When it comes to music you stubbornly won’t listen to anything else but German Electro
You’ve got a stupid posh boy name
You tease me about the silly things I say
You are sooo loud and think everyone should listen to you.
You don’t like comic book films (What sort of man are you?)
You have a GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
You basically just suck

BUT you are so TALL. And hot. And funny. And you make my tummy feel like there's hundreds of bees in there (in a good way). And you look at me in “that way”. I can’t help but like you.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


Yes I watched the film last night. It inspired me to write about you. And what?


P.S I'd like you even more if you looked like Heath Ledger. Just sayin.

Ryan Gosling makes up for Laziness

I'm feeling lazy today so I'll leave you all with something to look at

For the ladies

For the men

I'm not going to assume any straight men are reading this so I think that will suffice for today 

xxx