Tuesday, 14 August 2012

I have a stalker... Suck on that Beyonce

What constitutes having a stalker? Because I think I may have one. How am I supposed to feel?  Am I supposed to be scared or proud? Do I just continue on and ignore it or do I ring the police? But then If I did then what would I say? A man I went on a date with once is texting me. Doesn’t sound that scary. They may just laugh. But I’m not laughing.

I met this guy at a party over a year ago. I chatted to him for a bit about dead people and stuff. I remember not much more of him from that night other than that. He added me as a friend on Facebook soon after and as we had a few mutual friends I thought I would be polite and accept. He wrote to me a few times and asked me out. At first I said no as nicely as possible but eventually I just started ignoring him. He was getting a bit annoying.

Anyway, a year went past and every so often I would hear from him but I still didn’t respond. You can’t deny he was persistent. Then, one fateful week, I ended things with this guy I had been seeing and was feeling a bit poop about the whole male situation. I needed cheering up. And there, over Facebook, was an invitation for drinks. And in my grumpy, emotional state I said yes -  OH GOD WHY DID I SAY YES?!

So we went for drinks. A looker he most certainly was not. Plus men should never ever wear ill fitted, over sized blazers with cartoon covered T-shirts underneath. And he talked. A lot. It was as if he had ADD. He would change from one strange subject to a completely irrelevant other without warning. My brain is a bit slow at the best of times but this was painful trying to keep up. In the end I just gave up trying and got drunk and talked to myself instead. To my relief the night eventually came to a close but as we were saying our goodbyes he literally surprise kissed me. From nowhere and as quick as Usain Bolt his tongue was in my mouth flailing about in every nook and cranny possible as if his life depended on knowing how many fillings I had. Once the shock past I pushed him away, told him to fuck the hell off and ran.

Now, looking back I can’t see how he thinks this date went well. It ended with me shouting profanities at him almost in drunken tears. If that was me I would leave well alone. But No. For the last 2 month I have received on average 3 texts a day. Sometimes it is as if he is having a conversation with himself. For example -

Him - “Morning Kitten, how are you?” (Kitten. Where in arse did he pull that nickname from?!)

Him - “Well I’m having a bit of a shit morning myself. I need some cheering up”

Him - “It would cheer me up if I got to go for lunch with you”

Him - “So I will meet you in Covent Garden station at 2.”

Him -  “I would dress lightly. Looks like a gooden”

Him - “looking forward to seeing you’re sexy arse self”

Me - “Can’t. Sorry. Busy washing my hair”

Him - “Baby I can come and wash it with you”

Me - “Leave me alone”

Him - “I think we should have pizza for lunch. That would cheer us both up”

Him - “Where were you?

Him - “Well when are you free?”

This is just one example. Obviously I have deleted him off Facebook and I temporarily claim back my Christianity to thank god that he doesn’t know where I live. Every time I get a text I am shocked at how mental this guy seems to be. In two months of texting me he seems no closer to getting the hint (even when I spell it out to him and tell him to bugger off and jump in a hole) and he shows no signs of letting off. I don’t know. Maybe I should feel flattered and be proud of the fact I have obvs made it in the world. I have a stalker Beyonce would be dead jeal of. Or maybe I should get the shotgun out in preparation and keep it by my bed. I will be willing to shot him in the kneecaps in self defence. Just saying.