Tuesday 14 August 2012

I have a stalker... Suck on that Beyonce

What constitutes having a stalker? Because I think I may have one. How am I supposed to feel?  Am I supposed to be scared or proud? Do I just continue on and ignore it or do I ring the police? But then If I did then what would I say? A man I went on a date with once is texting me. Doesn’t sound that scary. They may just laugh. But I’m not laughing.

I met this guy at a party over a year ago. I chatted to him for a bit about dead people and stuff. I remember not much more of him from that night other than that. He added me as a friend on Facebook soon after and as we had a few mutual friends I thought I would be polite and accept. He wrote to me a few times and asked me out. At first I said no as nicely as possible but eventually I just started ignoring him. He was getting a bit annoying.

Anyway, a year went past and every so often I would hear from him but I still didn’t respond. You can’t deny he was persistent. Then, one fateful week, I ended things with this guy I had been seeing and was feeling a bit poop about the whole male situation. I needed cheering up. And there, over Facebook, was an invitation for drinks. And in my grumpy, emotional state I said yes -  OH GOD WHY DID I SAY YES?!

So we went for drinks. A looker he most certainly was not. Plus men should never ever wear ill fitted, over sized blazers with cartoon covered T-shirts underneath. And he talked. A lot. It was as if he had ADD. He would change from one strange subject to a completely irrelevant other without warning. My brain is a bit slow at the best of times but this was painful trying to keep up. In the end I just gave up trying and got drunk and talked to myself instead. To my relief the night eventually came to a close but as we were saying our goodbyes he literally surprise kissed me. From nowhere and as quick as Usain Bolt his tongue was in my mouth flailing about in every nook and cranny possible as if his life depended on knowing how many fillings I had. Once the shock past I pushed him away, told him to fuck the hell off and ran.

Now, looking back I can’t see how he thinks this date went well. It ended with me shouting profanities at him almost in drunken tears. If that was me I would leave well alone. But No. For the last 2 month I have received on average 3 texts a day. Sometimes it is as if he is having a conversation with himself. For example -

Him - “Morning Kitten, how are you?” (Kitten. Where in arse did he pull that nickname from?!)

Him - “Well I’m having a bit of a shit morning myself. I need some cheering up”

Him - “It would cheer me up if I got to go for lunch with you”

Him - “So I will meet you in Covent Garden station at 2.”

Him -  “I would dress lightly. Looks like a gooden”

Him - “looking forward to seeing you’re sexy arse self”

Me - “Can’t. Sorry. Busy washing my hair”

Him - “Baby I can come and wash it with you”

Me - “Leave me alone”

Him - “I think we should have pizza for lunch. That would cheer us both up”

Him - “Where were you?

Him - “Well when are you free?”

This is just one example. Obviously I have deleted him off Facebook and I temporarily claim back my Christianity to thank god that he doesn’t know where I live. Every time I get a text I am shocked at how mental this guy seems to be. In two months of texting me he seems no closer to getting the hint (even when I spell it out to him and tell him to bugger off and jump in a hole) and he shows no signs of letting off. I don’t know. Maybe I should feel flattered and be proud of the fact I have obvs made it in the world. I have a stalker Beyonce would be dead jeal of. Or maybe I should get the shotgun out in preparation and keep it by my bed. I will be willing to shot him in the kneecaps in self defence. Just saying.


  1. Yipes! That's super creepy! Lock your doors, close your blinds and practice shooting knee caps. I'd say you have a bonafide stalker!

  2. Yeah, see, that really is creepy. When I text someone and don't get a text back, I think: 1) They must not have service right now, I'll hear back later, 2) What I texted didn't really require a response, or 3) They saw what I texted and felt no need to reply. NONE of these possibilities require MORE TEXT MESSAGES. That's just irritating and needy!

    On a side note, I the balls and knee caps are close enough neighbors that nobody will think much of it if you "accidentally" shoot a bit high.

  3. It sounds like he has an imaginary girlfriend that looks like you, so much so that he feels the need to share his entire imaginary conversations with you! I would set up land mines in any bushes outside your window just to be safe.

  4. I got two more today. I could make his texts a regular update on here. "What the crazy man said today".

  5. I would call the phone company and see if it's possible to block his number, and definitely don't respond (at all). It's just encouragement for psychos like that.

  6. Have you tired being super direct? Like just coming out and saying, "I'm not interested in being your friend. The fact that you message all the time is coming across is making me uncomfortable. Please stop contacting me."

    This whole situation sounds like the guy might be Aspergers or some other variety of high functioning autistic and if that's the case, he's not trying to be a creeper, it's just that he doesn't understand the subtle social cues that women use to say, "Go away."

  7. Call your phone company and get him blocked.

    Keep records of everything. My little sister had a stalker for years. It was terrible. Even after multiple break-ins where he took her underwear and waited for her our shitty police never did anything.

  8. Whoa, yikes. I agree with what Nikkiana said. This guy OBVIOUSLY can't pick up on normal social cues. I feel like he needs one really direct, really curt message informing him that you WILL NOT maintain connections with him, he needs to stop contacting you, and that you will seek help from authorities if need be. (Even if you think they'd laugh in your face.) Then under no circumstances do you respond to anything else he says. Any response (no matter how mean) will likely only encourage him.

    If I'm telling you to do something you've already tried, then my apologies. And that sucks. :(

  9. I was in a similar situation, only the guy was friends with my pushover boyfriend who wouldn't defend me against his advances. "That's just the way he is, he's weird" he would say. Yeah. It's not just 'weird' when he is trying to cuddle with me while you are in the SAME ROOM.

    I would be direct with him, and if that doesn't work get a restraining order. It seems harmless (if annoying) now but it can always take a turn for the worse.

  10. It was probably flattering for a bit but now I would start to get a bit scared. I'd probably start saying you have a very muscular boyfriend and text this nutter that if he doesn't stop texting you your boyfriend will 'sort him out.' Good luck!

  11. I think it may be time to carry a bat...or at least a collapsible umbrella to attack him with if necessary.

  12. I'm sorry for giggling a little - I blame you for being funny! Definitely stop responding to him - at all - if you haven't already. Keep everything, all texts etc as evidence in case you need it. I've been stalked, there is zero point in trying to explain or communicate with him in any way. Try not to let him get into your head any more than he has, cognitive behavioural therapy is good for stuff like that. And good luck!